Wash Your Ass

Today is “Men’s Grooming Day” 2012. And, in honor of this holiday, I want to share a bit of wisdom with my fellow men. Three simple words: wash your ass.

That’s right. Your ass. Wash it. Because…well…it stinks. That’s right. You smell like ass.

You might be thinking, “No, not me! I don’t smell like ass!” But, I hate to break it to you…you do. You see, you have gotten used to your assy smell and you don’t notice it anymore. But others do, especially women. Women can smell ass better than we can, and part of our responsibility as men is to wash our asses so women don’t have to smell them.

Of course, the ass is not the only assy part of the body. I love Iceland. My favorite thing about Iceland is network of public swimming pools. And, my favorite things at those pools are all the signs that advise you where to wash:



Take a look at that sign very carefully fellas, because that is where you aren’t washing enough, and that is why you stink.

Honestly, I don’t think we know how to shower properly. So, let me explain: you need to cover your WHOLE BODY with soap and scrub. Some areas need to be scrubbed very well, perhaps even twice. Personally, I suggest using two different soaps: one hard-working scrubbing soap, and one gentler, nice smelling soap. I personally use Irish Spring body scrub and Old Spice body wash, but that is up to you. You would also benefit from a different soap for your face (you see, you are also too ugly). Basically, go out and rent American Psycho and do everything Patrick Bateman does. Except kill people.

“But I can’t afford all that soap!” you say. Here’s an idea. Next time you are planning to take a girl out to the movies, instead of spending $20 on two tickets, spend $2 at the dollar theatre, and spend $18 on soap. And a new pair of boxers. And a fresh towel.

That’s right. Fresh towel. Stop using the same fucking towel! All you are doing is taking day old moldy wet ass smell and rubbing it all over your body. You should own like 10 towels, and always use a fresh one. And make sure you are totally dry before you get dressed. Whether your wear a suit, ripped jeans and a Super Mario Bros. 1-Up t-shirt, or a poncho, you will look much better if you don’t smell like ass.

You see, there are all kinds of girls in the world: some like rebels, some like intellectuals, some like rockers, some like businessmen: but they all like a guy that smells nice. No female of our species ever goes to bed dreaming of a man who smells like ass. And you smell like ass.